"And I also know how important it is in life not
necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once,
to find yourself at least once." ~~
Primo Levi
I have this strange sense of purpose which I haven’t
experienced in quite a long time. I have come to the conclusion that the reason for this is that I haven’t challenged
myself lately. Don’t get me wrong, I
have two children, 3 and 5. I am
challenged on a daily basis. But aren’t most
of us? What I am talking about is a “grand”
challenge.
For me, my last “grand” challenge was probably putting
myself through college at the age of 30.
I was taking classes year
round. I was also working full
time. I threw an internship on top of
everything my final semester because isn’t sleep just a luxury? After graduating with not one, but two
degrees, I was fortunate to find a job.
I’m not sure if I can say I found myself, but I felt measured and I felt
strong.
There have been other challenges in my life both big and
small. I have succeeded in some and
failed at others. When it comes to a
challenge of a physical nature, I can’t recall having one like this since high
school cross country. Sure, I’ve gotten
into workout routines. I joined a few
gyms. I even won a weight loss wager
here and there. But not since high
school did I take a physical activity this seriously.
It was my junior year and I tragically lost two friends, one
of which ran cross country. Let me
clarify. Tim didn’t just run cross
country, he was Mr. Cross Country. He led
the team to a state title as a sophomore and he was looking at a full ride to
the college of his choice. I remember
sitting around his kitchen table the day after the accident. His father was being strong, when so many of
us could not. In what was probably the
most profound rhetorical question ever posed to me, he said: This house was never perfect. We had our fights and disagreements. There were times when Tim would get angry and
frustrated, and do you know what he would do...He would run.
A few months later, triggered by my own moment of anger and
frustration those words came back to me; I took to the road and never looked
back. Over the next few months, I ran
nearly 500 miles . I was easily in the best shape of my
life. I was voted Co-Captain by my Cross
Country team. I was finding myself. I felt strong and I was ready to be
measured. And then the unthinkable
happened. On the first mile of the first meet of the season, I stepped on a
rock and broke my foot. Just like that,
I was done. With tears streaming down my
face, I kept going. I wasn’t really
running anymore, it was more of a cross between half limp and half skip. The tears were not from the pain. I knew that it was over. The race, the season, everything I worked so
hard for. I had to be physically
stopped. Ironically it was my Tim’s
older brother who had come to support the team.
I crumpled to the ground, devastated, broken.
I tried to get it going again once the cast came off. But I was overwhelmed from looking at the
twig that once held my missing calf muscle.
I was emotionally and physically
drained. I relaxed through the rest of my
senior year and I relaxed through the next 3 and a half years of college (hence
the reason I went back at the age of 30).
I think I’m done relaxing.
I’m anxious to find out what’s still left in the tank, both physically
and mentally. I also want to be an
example to my children. I know Levi wasn’t
talking about cycling. He was talking
about man’s ability to overcome adversity, on your own, “nothing to help you
but your own hands and your own head”. I
want my children to know that it’s never too late. Whether it’s in their
education, career, or life in general, they need to continue to challenge
themselves. I want them to put
themselves in situations where they can be measured and hopefully rise to the
challenge. But when they fail, when they
become angry and frustrated, I hope they will continue to look for new opportunities
to be measured. It’s only then that they
will truly find themselves.
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